Articles & Blog

Brene Brown on Vulnerability and Shame

If you havent seen these two talks by Researcher / Storyteller – Brene Brown, you absolutely must make the time to watch them.  20 minutes each, they will touch your heart.

TED Talk on Vulnerability

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html

• Connection gives purpose and meaning to our lives. It’s what our life is about.
• Vulnerability is critical to whole-hearted living.
• Shame is the fear of disconnection. Is there something about me that if people know it, they won’t want to connect with me.. “I’m not….enough”
• In order for connection to happen we have to allow ourselves to be seen, be vulnerable.
• Sense of worthiness & love and belonging is critical.
• Only one variable that separated those who had love and belonging and those who struggled, was that they believed they were worthy of love and belonging.
• Whole-hearted people had
  - A sense of courage.
  - tell the story of who you are with your whole heart.
  - The courage to be imperfect.
  - Compassion to be kind with themselves and others.
  - Connection as a result of authenticity.
  - Fully embraced vulnerability. Believe that what makes them vulnerable makes them beautiful. It’s necessary.
  - The willingness to say “i love you” first.
• Vulnerability is the birthplace of love, belonging, connection, creativity…
• We numb vulnerability with addiction, medication, shopping, food, etc.
• You cannot selectively numb emotion. If you numb emotion, you numb it ALL, the good stuff and bad stuff.
  - Then we’re miserable, and we try and numb it again, in a dangerous cycle.
  - We look for people to blame and try to make things certain.
  - We pretend that what we do doesn’t have an effect on other people.
• The key is to let ourselves be “seen”, to love with our whole hearts, to practice gratitude and joy in the moments of terror.
• To believe that we’re enough… When we do this we’re kinder and gentler to each other and ourselves.

TED Talk on Shame

http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html

“It is not the critic who counts. It is not the man who sits and points out how the doer of deeds could have done things better and how he falls and stumbles. The credit goes to the man in the arena whose face is marred with dust and blood and sweat. But when he’s in the arena, at best he wins, and at worst he loses, but when he fails, when he loses, he does so daring greatly.” - Theodore Roosevelt.

• Her story about staying small and how her life ended when the last talk got 4 million views.
• The idea of vulnerability and weakness is dangerous.
• Vulnerability is not weakness, it’s pure courage. Out most accurate measurement of courage.
• Vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.
• Shame is the “swampland of the soul”. Walk through and find our way around.
• Can’t fix the problems without addressing shame.
• Everyone who is successful has Failed. Many times.
• It is not the critic who counts… the credit goes to the man in the arena. When he is in the arena at best the wins, at worst he loses, but when he loses he does so daring greatly.
• The critic we see laughing and pointing…
• Shame drives two tapes – “Not good enough”. or “Who do you think you are?”
• Shame and guilt are not the same. Guilt is I DID something bad. Shame is I AM bad.
• Shame is organised by gender.
  - Woman: do it all, do it perfectly, never let them see  you sweat. Unattainable, competing and conflicting expectations.
  - Man: do not be perceived as weak. “They’d rather I die on my white horse than fall down. The women in my life are harder on me than anybody else.”
• Shame is an epidemic in our culture. To get out from underneath it we have to understand it.
• If we’re going to find our way back to each other we need to have empathy.
• Secrecy, Silence, and Judgement make shame grow.
• Vulnerability is the way back to each other.